Without Guilt, Without Restraints
by almakazam
Summary: Her heart could handle so much- an unclear falling apart with Gray, her friendship with Claire and her feelings for Kai. For how long could she endure the title of being cupid if she's slowly becoming unwilling to pair up Claire and the man she loves? (WARNING: Extremely fluffy that you could puke.)


**_When I wrote this, I was influenced under a shoujo manga. This will explain the fluffiness. Thank you. You have been warned._**

* * *

I was one of those love advisers—people who help others in love troubles and whatnots.

Most of the time, they would go to my library not to read or borrow books, but to seek me for their romance dilemma. So far, all of the couples I had helped here are doing extremely well; first of who were Trent and Elli, who are happily wedded now; Rick and Karen, two childhood friends who are getting married soon; there's also Ann, the daughter of the innkeeper and Cliff, a shy tenant of the inn.

Lastly, there's Popuri and Jack. Popuri is a very cheery, charming young woman who helps around her family's poultry farm and she met Jack, the hardworking farmer of the neighboring village, when she had gone there for a visit to Takakura two springs ago.

Popuri back then had her doubts. She loved Kai, a bubbly, light-hearted and sweet city boy who comes here every summer. But she was growing fond of Jack already too, after weeks of always visiting her and helping around their poultry farm. She was wholly confused and went to me for a little help. I simply told her to weigh the scales: 'who makes you happier?'

Tears brimmed in her eyes as she whispered softly Jack's name.

It was expected that she would have chosen him. You could see the deep attraction between Jack and Popuri, and how happy they really were together. With Kai's case, it's a little unpromising. It has always been an unrequited love for Popuri.

I smiled faintly as I sat alone in the library as the minutes ticked by, remembering all of those memories. It's a shame I've no one to talk to anymore. The library has been so lonely and gloomy without his presence. He would always come by and read, though most of the time he would end up having a chat with me. He would always be smiling with me. He was happier in this library than anywhere else. And he loved me dearly.

But Gray's not coming back anymore. He's left for Forget-Me-Not Valley two seasons ago.

I guess a love adviser can't always find a way for all problems, especially her own.

I really miss him. It has been one lonesome year since I last saw him smile at me. Though, I must make clear that I don't love him as much anymore... Because in that one year he purposely avoided me, he had hurt me so much and left me confused on what I ever did to him. In that one year, I have grown strong enough to let go of my feelings for him, even though it was difficult to do so.

Also, in that one year... I already met someone and fell in love with him.

How can I not grow fond with this other man? He was always there for me ever since Gray started avoiding me.

He would always drop by the library to check on me and would always bring desserts to make me smile.

He would tell me jokes even if they're corny just to see me laugh.

He would always keep me company when rain pours down so that I won't feel alone.

He would always assure me that he will find the answer to Gray's sudden elusion. That was a promise he said he will keep.

And even if he's far away, he would send me short letters about his travels and little, precious gifts overseas just to remind me he still cares.

_I fell in love with Kai._

It doesn't look quite right; especially that he's Gray's best friend. And I even don't know if he likes me or that he's just too nice and naturally sweet.

I am not planning to tell Kai about my feelings though, and I believe I never will tell him. This is because aside from the fact that I am too embarrassed to confess and that he is Gray's best friend, Kai's my important friend's crush and I'm helping her to get closer to him.

And it would be very awful of me if I actually told her I'm reluctant to help her just because I like him too, wouldn't it? Moreover, I'm used to this kind of situation already. Every guy I ever liked in high school ended up with the girls that went to me. I already had a million broken heart beats for those sacrifices, but I don't regret anything. After all, I want to see my friends happy.

Those childish admirations of mine were fairly easy to forget, as I look back. They were sort of sad memories of me surrendering for the happiness of others, but just as I said, they were just childish crushes. They were nothing really serious.

But to forget what I feel for Kai... I dare believe that they're not merely petty feelings. I know this is real. I know that I really do love him, and I suppose my love for him expands greater than what I felt for Gray.

This of course, is a bad thing. How can I help her if I'm struggling to fight off my fondness for Kai?

"Mary, Mary!"

Speaking of whom, here she comes—my important friend. She was hopping like a little lass as she entered, leaving the door open. That was okay though, the warm breeze brought a soothing feeling.

"Oh, hello Claire, having a pleasant day, it seems?" I beamed at her as I composed myself.

"Of course!" She giggled and twirled around. "Tomorrow he comes! Tomorrow he comes!"

"C-Calm down." I laughed ineptly at her cheerfulness.

"Sorry, hehe. I'm just really happy to see him... Hmm." She mulled over thoughtfully. "Maybe I should confess to him really soon. What do you think?"

"Um," I fumbled over my fingers as I gathered myself to answer. "W-Why not? A confession is still good, whether reciprocated or not. That way, you would know what to do next."

"I'm all set for confession! Thanks for everything, Mary. Last summer, it was a bit late when I asked help from you, but this summer, you'll help me get things going, right?"

"Yes, of course. You're a good friend of mine." I smiled at her gently. I tried to ignore the little twinge in my heart.

"Hehe, really, thank you! You're an awesome friend!" She clapped her hands. "So, anyway, I'm all pumped up for the festival after tomorrow!"

"You are pretty excited. Have you exercised enough for the swimming festival then?"

"Sure have!" Claire chuckled, wandering from across the room, picking up some books on the table and returning them to their shelves. "I'm going to get first place with these muscles, hehe. Well, how about you? Are joining again tomorrow?"

I contemplated for a few seconds and lightly shook my head. "I suppose not. I'm writing a new novel, and I plan to finish the first chapter until maybe the wee hours."

"Aw, that's cool Mary, but you should join the fun, too. Besides," she eyed me mischievously, "You looked pretty sexy in the bathing suit last summer. Ho ho ho!"

A blush crept to my face. "W-Whatever."

"Well, I couldn't disagree with that." A familiar, smooth voice laughed. My face even blushed furiously as I suddenly recognized the man leaning by the doorway.

"W-W-W-When d-did you...?!" I stuttered with my eyes wide and my mouth gaping. I feel my face even hotter than usual. Oh no. Kai heard that embarrassing remark!

"Just a while ago, around when Blondie here was convincing you to join the swimming fest." He grinned at me teasingly. "And you should wear that purple bikini you wore last year. I chose that especially for you, you know."

"You mean you bought that for her?" Claire asked him as she walked towards him. Even with my face flushed, the heat slowly died away as I tried to decipher Claire's expression. I felt uneasy as I noticed her face turned rather annoyed.

"Yeah, that's why last year I came here a week before summer. I had lots of gifts for my friends then, including Mary." He childishly grinned at me with his bright eyes.

"Oh, so it wasn't Mary alone, eh?" Claire sighed of relief and giggled, constantly touching his arm.

Honestly, that was a little mean, especially coming from her. But, well... I don't know.

Kai nodded, his eyes still on me even though he was talking with Claire. "Gray, Popuri, Cliff, Ann and Doug had presents from me too. Uh, sorry about not giving you one. We just met that same week..."

That's right. It was just last spring when Claire was washed ashore here from a terrible thunderstorm which wrecked the cruise ship she was on. And that one week early visit Kai made was when she first met him; it was love at first sight for her.

"That's okay!" She said with a wide smile plastered on her adorable face, her voice an octave higher.

With that conversation settled, he turned away from Claire and sat on the counter, right in front of me and patted my head. "Hehe."

"H-hey, get down. Y-You shouldn't sit here." I scolded him, trying to keep a stern face.

"Fine, fine." He sighed. He pulled out a chair from the tables and swung it to my side. He sat there with a goofy grin on his face. My supposed to be stern look melted into a stifled laughter.

"Ah, really Kai..." I sighed defeated and then asked, "But why are you here in Mineral Town already? You were supposed to come here tomorrow, the last day of spring, to prepare for summer."

"Eh, an early visit wouldn't hurt right?" He chuckled. His bright eyes gradually turned soft and tender by the second. I didn't notice it right away, but we were just simply staring into each other's eyes as a comforting atmosphere wrapped around the two of us.

Claire coughed. Oh my, this isn't good. I completely lost myself in Kai's gentle gaze and forgot about helping Claire get closer to him. I quickly withdrew my blushing face and pretended to rummage through some papers on the counter, when the wind suddenly became cooler. Outside, it seems that the dark clouds hid the sun.

This is a good chance, I thought. I hurriedly brought up, "It s-seems like it is going to rain soon. Um, Kai, won't you be a gentleman and escort Claire back to her farm?"

"Uh, well sure..." Kai's tone sounded uncertain but nonetheless he stood up after a very short while of giving me a little crestfallen look.

Before the two had fully left, Claire turned around and gave me a wink, probably her way of thanking me. I replied with a small smile and two thumbs up. She pulled Kai closer to him and began chattering as they walked away.

I sighed heavily, closing the doors. A pang of pain stung my chest badly, making it a little hard to breathe. Without warning, tears were rolling rapidly down my cheeks.

This was a side of me that I could never show to anyone, especially to Claire. I simply cannot reveal that helping her was a very heavy burden that I am struggling to lift for her. I want her to be happy because she is my friend. I don't want to be selfish just because of my unspoken feelings.

I know this will pass soon... Maybe when they become an official couple, I can successfully forget all my affection for Kai. Maybe that will trigger me to believe that there's still someone out there for me.

But then again, maybe I will be detained in my own prison of tears, regrets and sorrows. For the first time in my life, I start to regret trying to let go of someone precious to my heart for the sake of others.

With trembling lips, I finally mutter, "I... I love... Kai..."

After a few minutes, I had at last gained composure. I dried away my tears with my handkerchief and kept on nodding to myself, letting out small breaths to release the remaining spasm of hurt within me.

I reflected on the matter a little bit more. I decided to continue helping Claire. They really look good together, so perhaps with the right push, we can get a wonderful relationship going. They are both single, right? Claire mentioned to me before that her last relationship was three years ago and it's not like Kai has someone else in mind.

Claire would be happy. And when Kai learns to love Claire, he'll be happy—probably even happier that he would be with me.

That idea struck my chest again. I shook off the idea to avoid crying again and brought myself to reality.

It was then I realized that it was already past the library's closing time. I immediately tottered outside to put the "CLOSED" sign when Kai's figure came to view. I tried to go back inside before he could see me, but he was already calling out my name.

"Hey, Mary! Wait up!"

Well, I couldn't just ignore him and lock myself inside. So I waited until he drew nearer, panting and gasping for air. He looks a little too worn out for escorting Claire back to the farm, I wonder what happened. "Um, K-Kai? Are you okay?"

He wiped off the sweat on his forehead. "Actually, no. Claire didn't want me to leave her house, so we argued for a little bit. Then she chased me around before I could escape her treachery. Ugh, she looked like she was going to eat me alive."

"You make it sound like Claire is a monster."

"If you want an honest answer, then yes, Claire is an obsessed monster. I'd rather have Popuri— err, I mean... Well, never mind I said anything about Popuri. Can I come in?"

"But it's closed..."

"Mary," he breathed noisily. His brown eyes turned serious as he said, "We need to talk."

The heavy raindrops started to fall from the heavens. I looked up the dark sky, silently panicking in my head on what to do. I was getting very nervous.

"Please, Mary." Kai begged.

Without saying anything, I opened the door and he followed. I leaned by the counter as I fidgeted with my fingers while he sat on one of the chairs, still catching his breath. Several minutes later, he stood up and took hold of my arms firmly. His eyes were still rather serious; there came a creeping feeling of uneasiness as he stared at my anxious face.

"K-Kai...?"

"Mary... I will tell you the truth... Three truths, in fact..." He mumbled tiredly.

"What... What truths?"

He released my arms and sat on the counter, sighing heavily. "Come sit beside me here... It might help me relax a bit."

I did as he told me.

"The reason why Claire became so angry with me and why she chased me... is because I _rejected_ her."

My eyes widened at this, and as I was about to ask why, he put a finger on my lips and shook his head. "Let me talk first... I'll finish this."

"When we reached her farm, she invited me for a snack inside her house but I declined 'cause I was going back here in the library. It was pretty obvious that she was annoyed when she heard that. I really didn't care that much so I turned to leave. But then she pulled me and said I should listen to her first."

I spoke up softly. "And that... was when she confessed to you?"

"Yep." He nodded, and continued. "After that, I thanked her and said sorry. I think she became even more furious with that, and she chased me around her farm, shouting stuff like why I don't I like her and some other lines."

"C-Can I ask why you rejected her?"

The downpour was evidently heavy. There were random occasions of thunder, making me startle at times. But Kai would put his hand over mine then. I felt blushing at these instances.

"It's simple, really. I don't like her. Besides, my image of her degraded even more by her actions earlier. I'm not that dense, y'know. She's been flirting with me ever since... and a certain someone has been helping her."

I bowed my head, hiding my blushing face from him. I was so embarrassed.

Surprisingly, he caressed my hand. "It's okay, Mary. Hehe. I just wished you had a better eye for choosing friends."

"W-What do y-you mean?"

"Uh, Claire is a little ill-mannered."

"That's mean... You couldn't blame her for being that way... She likes you." I poorly defended my friend.

"Eh, usually girls getting rejected wouldn't be that violent. I even rejected her politely." He opposed, leaning his head on mine. Another warm blush swept my cheeks.

I gently pushed him away and quickly mumbled, still hiding my flushed expression. "S-S-So, what's the next truth?"

"Ah," he cringed a little bit, scratching the back of his head. "Ah... Um..."

"What is it...?"

"I... I can finally fulfil my promise to you, Mary..."

"P-Promise?" He doesn't mean...

He nodded with a smile, but it seemed rather sad. "Yeah... The one concerning Gray... I know the answer... But can you forgive me...?"

"Forgive you for what?" I was puzzled.

"Forgive me... because I didn't tell you right away... Gray had actually told me the reason... one week before I left summer last year." He couldn't look at me now.

I, on the other hand, was more focused on Gray's reason rather than Kai's purpose on not telling me straight away. It's as if my heart skipped a beat upon hearing that. I was feeling eager to know the whole truth, yet I was afraid as well. I suddenly thought what if it really was my fault why he left?

"Mary...?"

"Ah! Oh, um..." I blinked as he called me. I recollected myself and said, "It's okay, Kai... I guess you must have a reason why... you just told me now..."

He smiled, but it was different from the usual. His smile was very sad, very... dejected. He remained silent for a while, avoiding my stare.

"Kai...?"

"Oh... right... haha..." He sighed. "The truth is... he's afraid of responsibility."

"What responsibility?"

"Responsibility... of having you. He's scared that he might fail if the two of you had continued to be more serious... He was afraid that he might hurt you; that he can't take care of you."

I fell silent. He was... afraid of responsibility? He left me... because he loved me too much? He was frightened that he isn't be a good boyfriend?

"I told him he's stupid." Kai added. "I told him that he's hurting you by doing that. But he's made up his mind... and just told me to take care of you in his stead. But Mary, my best friend loved you so much. He's just... stupid."

"I know that he loves me... but I just wished he didn't think about failing too much... I wish..." I started to sob. It just hurts; an arrow to my chest. He gave up what we had because of his fear. We could've just faced the trials together... Love comes with pain, with ups and downs. He shouldn't be afraid of that...

Kai enveloped me in his arms and cuddled me to his chest as I cried.

"Kai... what was your reason... why you didn't tell me immediately?"I asked after I had release the distress in me.

"I was waiting for the right moment... for something..." He whispered almost quietly, his one arm still draped on my back.

"For what?"

"Do you still love him?" He suddenly asked, not answering my question. His eyes were all serious again.

Did crying over Gray's real reason prove that I still love him? Was it only just an illusion that I had let go of my feelings for him?

_Who do I really love?_

I couldn't answer Kai; I'm still confused. My misty eyes stared blankly into his pained eyes.

"Haha, I had guessed so..." He chuckled, fixing his bandanna. "Oh... right. The third thing I was supposed to tell you actually depended on your reaction with that question... But I guess it doesn't matter anymore... So, that's that. I'll take my leave, Mary."

My lips couldn't speak another word. My teary eyes watched him as he walked away. He was heading for the door. My whole body was too numb to move.

_Wait, don't leave..._

He stood there for a few seconds, and then croaked out, "Bye."

The time when Popuri was choosing between Kai and Jack, a question changed her life. That same question would decide for what my heart really feels as well.

Mary Suzanna Greystone, who makes you happier?

Within a split second, my body moved on its own—my legs dashed to the doorway, my arms swiftly embracing him. I buried my face on his back, calling his name.

Kai makes me happier. He keeps me safe and protected. The situation with Gray might've affected a big part of me, but that does not mean that I still love him like before.  
And I love Kai. I've confirmed that with myself several times already. This time, I could not hold back anymore.

"Kai... Kai... please, don't leave... Hear me out..." I finally managed to say.

I withdrew my arms and took a few steps back as he turned to face me. His eyes were unexpectedly hoping. Nevertheless, the strain of myself trying to get my feelings across is almost taking a toll on me.

"K-Kai... Uh, um... Kai..." I think I'm going in for a heart attack.

"Mary, if you can, take a deep breath." Kai squared my shoulders.

"O-Okay..." I inhaled deeply. "Kai, there's s-something I must confess... But I wish you could let me finish before commenting..."

Kai nodded.

"I... I... I love you Kai..."

His expectant eyes widened. He was about to say something, but pursed his lips and let me go on.

"Y-You see... I was helping Claire... get closer to you because I want her to be happy... and I thought that if you can know her better, you'll be happy with her... Ever since, my goal is to make the people around me, especially those who ask help from me, happy... even if it means to sacrifice my own happiness... What I'm saying is..."

I started crying again. I took off my foggy eyeglasses and wiped away my tears with my shaking hand.

"I tried to fight off my feelings... I tried to because I was more concerned about Claire's happiness... And, and... Because... I felt that it would be awful of me... to be selfish..."

"And also... Wouldn't it be shameful of me... if I actually fell in love... with my boyfriend's best friend?"

I couldn't say anything more. I remained wiping the tears that constantly flooded from my eyes. But in my heart, the heavy burden I've endured for so long felt a little lighter.

Suddenly, Kai's arms wrapped around me, and his smooth voice whispered, "Funny, that sounds familiar. I think I know a certain someone who actually fell in love with his best friend's girlfriend... Isn't that a little tad shameful for him as well?"

"H-Huh?"

"Yes, that shameful guy is me. Well, I loved you since day one, you know. Even before Gray and you became a couple... And when he started avoiding you, I couldn't help myself but to do everything for you... I wanted you to be safe all the time. I wanted to be with you. Even if it looked like I'm taking advantage of your broken situation back then, I didn't care... Because I really do love you."

He left me speechless.

"This was supposed to be the third truth... I was planning on confessing if you say you don't love Gray anymore... You were so close to breaking my heart earlier because you didn't answer me right away. Such a cruel girl..."

"S-Sorry!"

He kissed my forehead, his eyes looking a lot happier. "Just teasing you. Haha. But seriously Mary, sometimes, you should think of yourself. You're overworking yourself just to satisfy people's happiness. You don't have to be guilty of being with me just because Claire likes me. Give yourself a chance... Let's give _ourselves_ a chance."

"I d-don't know... What will the people say? What would Gray say?"

He snorted, hugging me even tighter. "Doug, Ann and Cliff know that I really like you. Gray, well, after we had talked over about him avoiding you... I just had to admit it to him. But he's okay with it... just as long as I could take care of you, like I said earlier."

"You didn't tell me that you told him..."

"Err... I had to omit that, though. Hahaha..." He grinned sheepishly. He then lifted me and sat me on the counter again. "Up here you go."

I felt suddenly alarmed as I remembered someone important. "But what about Claire?"

Kai rested his two hands atop mine. He then rolled his eyes. "Ah, Blondie? I already rejected her, and there's no way I am going to like her. If she gets angry with you for going out with me, I could put a restraining order on her."

"Don't be so mean to her..."

"I won't be if she won't be mean with you. But anyway, I think she had already guessed that there's something between us."

"H-How?"

"Mary, Mary, my sweet, little, four-eyed, thick-headed crybaby and love adviser of the whole wide universe, I am not as dense as you." He shook his head teasingly and squeezed my hands. "I could feel a strong attraction between us, you know, since summer last year. And I bet she had sensed that attraction earlier here."

I blushed intensely with that statement of his.

He chuckled. "Well, what do we do now?"

"W-What?"

"We just confessed that we love each other, so that makes us a couple now, right?"

"I g-guess so...?"

"You're a love adviser, so you should know better... What do you suggest we do?" He grinned mischievously.

"I d-don't know... I mean, I could give advice and all... but I've never... had much experience about dating... since Gray and I don't really go out and do sweet stuff... and you are just my second boyfriend..." I stammered.

"Well, you'll be my last girlfriend." He winked at me. "And then my one and only wife, the mother of my kids, the old woman I'll be with 'til death, in heaven, in paradise... 'Til the next life."

Now I know how it feels to explode. My cheeks were burning hot red and my heart was pounding really hard, I could almost hear it. His sweet words resounded in my fleeting mind.

"Wanna dance in the rain?"

"B-But the thunder! And... And... We might fall ill... We can't be too careless...!"

Without missing a beat, he swiped me from my position and carried me out in the pouring rain. "We're going oooooouuuut!"

And there, dancing and skipping in the rain with the man I love, I finally felt truly and eternally happy for the first time in my life, without guilt, without restraints.


End file.
